It Started Out with a Kiss, How Did It End Up Like This?

I feel like this may be a departure. I'm not sure where the yoga is in this post, but it's been brewing for a while now.

I have been noticing the joie de vivre of the young ladies these days, the millennial females, their power and a quality of being unbound, unencumbered, that I feel the mothers of the feminist movement had in mind for my generation but that somehow missed us. I've been proud of my young, strong sistas. Watch Jack White sing this song and you'll hear what inspired this train of thought. In case his vocal affectations obscure the lyrics of import, here you go:

"She don't care what kind of wounds she's inflicting on me. She don't care what color bruises that she's leavin' on me. She's got freedom in the 21st century.

...No responsibility, no guilt or morals cloud her judgment. Smile on her face, she does what she damn well please.

Right, and she don't care what kind of things people used to do. And she don't care that what she does has an affect on you. She's got freedom in the 21st century ..."

I'm thinking about a neighbor we had at our old house. She is seventeen. And she is working through things that I never could have imagined and enjoying freedoms that I never had. I'm inspired by her and excited for her. And then I was thinking about all the times when I was her age or a bit older when my sexuality or even just my body was used against me, when my body and it's potential for sexuality opened doors for me. Or when I was forced by men with power to use my body in ways that I was uncomfortable with to get something that I needed or wanted.

Examples. Many of which involve kisses. On the surface kisses seem so ridiculously benign. I have been thinking about kisses as my sons really enjoy kissing me with passion and heart, and it is so sweet and loving. And how I've gotten very similar kisses - if you just look at the anatomy of the kiss, break it down into its components - from older uncles as a child that were totally skeevy.

When I was seventeen and in college and had worked hard to earn my yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do and I was so proud of myself. And at the belt ceremony which was really just a glorified binge drinking party where a bunch of middle-aged pervs hung out with a bunch of dorky college kids, everyone got their belt no problem. When it was my turn, our trusted "teacher" said to me - he was all sweaty and shaky when he said this - "I've just got to get a kiss from you before I can give you this belt." I kissed him. I got that damned belt. And I never went back to Tae Kwon Do again.

There was a time a little later when I had a job and I was off on my own and so proud of myself, again, for being out in the world, in the big city, selling ads at the alternative newspaper that had drawn me to the city in the first place. I loved that paper and yet I hated just about everything I had to do while I worked there. And there was a shaky and sweaty club owner that I needed money from. And he had the check in his hand, and we were in his car, and I needed that check to make my numbers. He leaned in and said, "I know you want this kiss." And I didn't, but we kissed. And I got the check. I still didn't make my numbers that week.

And then there were quite a few male friends, some of whom seemed to require physicality and flirting to maintain their interest in the friendship. For a nerdy girl who is naturally inclined to be socially awkward and introverted and sensitive to touch, this was a whole other kettle of fish, basket of pythons, barrel of testosterone to maneuver through.

There were more examples, but these sum them all up pretty nicely. I hope the 21st century sisters don't have to live this old reality. At the same time, I hope they don't break my sons' hearts too badly. I'm working hard to raise up these sweet, loving, modern boys. I like some of what Jack White describes from a feminist perspective, but from the perspective of a mom of sons with soft, squishy hearts, I hope today's girls will be empowered but also compassionate.

Still struggling to find the yoga in this, but with the help of my good friend and fellow yogi, I can see the thread here. Ahimsa is the concept of non-harming, and it applies to your interactions with others as well as yourself. Satya is truth in actions and words, being able to see the truth behind others' actions as well, being able to recognize and remove oneself from situations that are harmful. Self-compassion when things go awry. The ability to sit with suffering and also lean into the difficult times with compassion for oneself. These are all practices that we work on at the mat daily so that when we need them in real life off the mat, they are like superpowers we can draw on.

When my young ex-neighbor read this, she reacted by saying that people are gross and that learning to deal with them is a difficult and lengthy process. I wanted to leave not on that note, but rather with the idea that only some people are truly gross and horrible. Most people are tender and loving most of the time - I truly believe this. But we all go through rough patches, and we all are selfish at times. I just think that, if girls grow up knowing they are empowered, knowing that they are not merely put on this earth to be compassionate, loving caretakers raised only on baby dolls and princesses so that they grow up thinking that care-taking is the only place they can find meaning in relationships, work, and life, then perhaps they will have the skills they need to falter less, to be challenged less by men in power and to be taken advantage of less in relationships in general.